Adult Liars and Children

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Important Observations about lying from the Win Your Child Custody War manual.

If the opposition is spreading lies about you, or getting children to lie, you must take positive action immediately.

  • Positive action in this situation may mean you must control your emotions and bide your time.
  • Don't react from anger, or fear. It won't fix the problem and your actions could seriously damage your case.
  • Write down what has happened and what you think it will do to your children, you or your case.
  • It is important to avoid participating in this negative behavior. Sometimes, the opposition will do something to make you react in a way that will harm your case.
  • Your children won't be permanently harmed by the opposition's lies.

  • Although it is usually in their minds, children often defend the parent being lied about.
  • Children often forgive parental lies they observe.
  • Children rarely forgive parents who lie to them.

If the opposition's attorney is perpetuation statements that can be proven to be false, or can not be proven to be true, and does not cease, the attorney can be sanctioned by the judge.

Below are the first two pages of Chapter 35

Chapter: 35 Lies and Perjury

Why Do You Believe Them Now?

Lies Change

Types of Lies

Types of Liars

Why Do They Lie?

Best Reasons Not to Lie

Conflicting Truths

Memory's Imperfections

Exaggerations - Fabrications

Portrait of the Liar

Who are Better Liars?

When is Someone Lying

Lies by Strangers

Lies by Familiars

Professional Lie Detectors

Seeing the Pattern of the Liar

Deception Detection Study

Why Liars Get Caught

Liars Even Lie to Themselves

Recruiting Troops

Acceptance of Lying

Defense Against Lies

The Grand Lie

Handling the Liar

Lie Suppression

Confession and Avoidance

Sue the Liar

Defamation Suit

Proof or Poof

Use Their Lies Against Them

Children and the Liar


When Children Lie

Where Do You Fit?

Non-Fatal Flaw

Your Lies

Cold Turkey Truth

Start Repairing the Damage

Admission of Wrongdoing

Correcting Old Lies

Identifying the Liar to Others

Telling the Awful Truth

Perjury in Family Court!

Attorneys and Lies

Court Calls A Liar A Lia

Won't Change Where Children Live

No Lie Double Talk


Why Do You Believe Them Now?

The opposition has put another scare in you with more bad news. Bad news about what their attorney said was going to happen to you, how your actions have destroyed your case or something new and horrific out of the blue.

It is time to stop selectively believing them. You know you don't believe them when they justify something stupid or vicious they have done when they say it was for the children, so it only makes sense that you must not believe them when they say something that will hurt you or your case.

Lies Change

Telling lies successfully is almost impossible. The truth will come out. Lies change. The truth does not change.

If an honest person becomes confused, he must only remember the truth and cling to it. A person who is lying cannot cling to the truth. Changes appear. An intelligent listener will confront those changes. It gets worse. Panic to cover sets in. Everyone present sees the lie and the liar.

A lie, omission, deception or decoy is corrupt because it doesn't know how it will actually effect of what was said or done.

Lie: Intentional false statement.

Perjury: The traditional definition is the criminal offense of lying under oath, a willful and corrupt sworn statement made without sincere belief in its truth and made in a judicial proceeding regarding a material matter. Today, the statutes have been broadened so that in some jurisdictions any false swearing in a legal instrument or legal setting is perjury. It is chargeable even if it is not material and even though it is not presented in a judicial proceeding.

Some statutes group perjury, false swearing and making false written statements together as different degrees of the same crime, often loosely called perjury. Perjury can be punishable by imprisonment. See Subornation of Perjury in the Glossary, in this Manual. Lies can throw a wrench into the cogs of the best war machine.

If there is a Murphy's Law about telling lies, it reads:

Your lie will surface at the worst possible time for you, cause the most damage to your case and afford you the least amount of opportunity to make amends.

As a child, you were directed to always tell the truth. At the same time, you observed Mom instructing everyone in the house to tell Aunt Kim that Mom is out shopping for the day, because Mom does not want to talk to Kim. Dad calls in sick to work, so he can take you fishing. As an adult, honesty is identified as the primary indication of character while you observe people you respect inflating the value of their business to get a better selling price. Friends give you confidential information about their clients and brag about cheating on income taxes, insurance claims or getting back too much change at the store.

Types of Lies

White lies, bragging, song and dance, fibs, canards, bending the truth, telling tales, falsehoods, cock-and-bull, distortion, inaccuracy, adopting other people's stories as one's own, untruths, little lies, misrepresentations, falsities, stretching the facts, fish stories, exaggeration, libel, perjury, flim-flam, omissions, misstatements, half truths, embellishments, forgotten old lies -- they get to be part of how we all function.

The lies you normally fear are lies the opposition tells about you that the decision-makers may believe. These are in fact the easiest to handle, with one exception, The Grand Lie. The Grand Lie is a falsehood that is so enormous and outrageous that all other issues are trivialized. The most common at this time is the false accusation of sexual abuse against a minor child. Even if all accusations are proven untrue, there is always residual damage to the accused.

The real problem is, because of any lie you have told, your character may be questioned.

Types of Liars

It isn't that the liar can't see the solution -- it is that they can't see the problem.

Psychologists will tell you it is virtually impossible to tell if someone is lying, but that it is possible to tell if someone believes what they are saying. Therefore, it is necessary for a person to grasp the reality of a situation in order to consciously decide to be truthful or lie. If one's perception of reality is not solid, the truth becomes whatever that person needs it to be at that moment.

If you are unaccustomed to dealing with other than occasional, socially acceptable lies, you may need more explanation of what is going on in the liar's mind. Initially, we tend to feel that we did not understand or that we missed something rather than see we have been lied to. Being lied to can undermine your sense of trust in everyone and everything. A white lie can seem outrageous to the person to whom the lie is told. There are varying degrees of personality disorders that exhibit an extensive pattern of lying.

These range from a normal desire to avoid conflict, being aware that they have manipulated the truth, to rearranging reality to suit one's needs and not being aware that what they are saying is not the truth. The frequency of the lies, as well as the scope of the lies, indicates the degree of dysfunction.

The most extreme liar is the pathological liar. There is no way to identify the pathological liar except by the trail of victims they leave behind. These liars are especially insidious because they seek out and feed on specific types of victims and the carnage is so complete. These liars are able to undermine the self-worth of the victim to the point the victim is unaware of how much they were damaged. If they do recognize the damage done to them, they think they are the only one and are somehow responsible. The most common extreme we usually deal with is the psychological liar. The psychological liar is living the reality of what he or she is talking about at the moment the lie is being told. There is no set length of time that any one lie must exist. The lie may live for many years or a new lie/reality may form with the next person to whom the liar speaks. For the liar, what they are saying is the truth. The liar feels all the emotions that reality would "normally" invoke.

Because the lie is their reality, they are initially able to convince others by their passion and sincerity. The liar expects others to see the situation as it is seen by the liar. The feeling the liar gets of bringing someone along adds momentum and power to his message.

Why Do They Lie?

  • They do not trust.
  • They are not emotionally honest.
  • They can't or won't identify their feelings.
  • They can't or won't identify what is behind those feelings.
  • They don't respect themselves.
  • They don't respect others.
  • They are not capable of honest relationships
  • They have personal histories that contain pain, abandonment, loss, abuse, unresolved trauma and neglect that is real or imagined.
  • They don't know why they lie.
  • They think lying is the only way they can survive.

Best Reasons Not to Lie

The truth always has a way of coming out.

Once a mediator, judge or jury has classified a person as a liar, little of what that person says afterwards will change that opinion.

Depositions, statements, letters, notes, recordings, cancelled checks, bank statements, pay stubs, IRS returns, personal diaries, receipts and witnesses can all be used to prove that a lie has been told.

  • It is impossible to keep lies straight.
  • Lies tend to multiply.
  • Lying makes a victim of the liar, waiting for exploitation.
  • Lies count heavily against the liar.
  • Lies under oath are hard to explain away.
  • Anyone who knows a person is a liar will identify the liar to anyone who asks.

Conflicting Truths

It is possible for two truths to appear to be opposite information. This can be caused by a combination of things, including perspective, the halo effect and previous history with any of the other players. An incident can be related to convey contradictory messages. Example:

The parent's negligence was apparent when the child was able to gain access to the pool area.

The parent provided all possible protection available to protect the child.

Many of the truths we cling to depend on our point of view. When the self-interests of the parents takes precedence over what would serve the child, there will always be an opportunity for conflict.

Resolution of Contradictory/Conflicting Evidence When evidence is contradictory, the problem of proof becomes more complex. One must determine just how much weight the conflicting evidence carries in relation to the evidence which supports his hypothesis. In general, each piece of evidence needs to be re-evaluated in terms of its likelihood to be accurate, the reason it was created in the first place and its corroboration with other evidence. If major conflicts still exist, you may have to take a step back and do another search for additional records.

Memory's Imperfections

In addition to conflicting truths, there is also the problem of memory's imperfect recall of events.

Helping Children and Parents since 1992